Note: Two years ago, in a huge miscommunication, I thought my sister didn’t actually want me to use her real name on here, so I had her choose one. She thought I wanted her to use a fake name. Anyway, her real name’s Jessica, not April.
Yesterday I had a bad day.
Pretty early on, actually. Around 12:05am. My period starts.
And then 2am comes.
Meaghann’s kitten, Opphie, is bunking with me for the night. And she keeps me very much awake. Around 2am, I’m tired, and Opphie appears like she might be about to settle down. So I look for my phone. I even call it from the house phone. But it must be in my car. Which is outside. And it’s 2am.
Luckily, I don’t have anything planned for the day until 1:30pm. I’ll wake up in time for that.
Then I don’t fall asleep until 3:30am, maybe later.
I reluctantly get out of bed in the morning and check the time.
So I start to rush. I have to pot a couple plants and get ready for the day and eat and drink coffee, and oh crap, I also have to clean the bathroom. Right. And leave by 1:15pm. Okay, I got this. Maybe.
I put the kettle on for my coffee then run to the bathroom to start getting ready. Where is my toothbrush? Oh, right, I threw it away after I almost threw up from finding hair entwined in its bristles. Well, good thing I had a backup. That I can’t find. Sigh. Must have lost it when I deep-cleaned my room last week.
A few minutes later, I remember I’m making coffee and rush to the kitchen expecting the water to be boiling.
It’s not. But the burner in front of it is a fiery red. And the covered pan on it is smoking. Oh, gosh, there’s smoke.
I lift the lid, desperately hoping I haven’t scorched someone’s food.
Thankfully the pan’s empty aside from some leftover grease and food bits. That I barely see before a plume of smoke from under that lid soars up and nails my right eye.
Okay, ow. Ow, ow, ow. I turn on the oven fan to clear the smoke. Time to get my eyedrops.
After rushing around getting eyedrops and making coffee, I realized the fan hasn’t done its full job, and all the smoke detectors should really be going off. Huh. Weird.
So I shove Opphie into my room (she’s an indoor cat) then open the front and back doors.
I’m probably going to be late, huh?
This is the point I get an unknown object in my eye (fur? Eyelash? Ash from the smoke?) and spend twenty minutes in eye-watering pain searching for that invisible evil.
As I get ready for the day, I hear a couple unknown neighbors shouting. One I’ve never seen before (or maybe a stranger/burglar, who knows) walks up and down the street a few times, and then once more with some other random dude. As I pot the plants, the neighbors with kids are especially loud and enthusiastic about something. I dunno. And the next-door neighbor comes onto his porch and doesn’t even care I’m right there because he hocks and hocks and hocks, and finally, there’s a loogie. Surprisingly, the neighbors across from us I notice most days doing something or other are entirely nonexistent for all this.
As I finish up with the plants, I realize I’ve forgotten to buy their bases. You know, so soil and water doesn’t get everywhere. And these plants are getting transported to their new home today. Oh, gosh, I have to go to my workplace and buy the pots’ matching bases. It’s in the wrong direction. Gah. Oh, well.
Josh messages me he won’t be able to join me today in my errands. So it’s just my sister and I. So I call Jessica and let her know I’m running late, and also Josh won’t be with us. She’s also running late. How fortunate…?
I zip through cleaning the bathroom. A deep clean would have to wait, but this would do for now.
The smoke has cleared out (mostly) so Opphie was let free. Oh, looks like she has worms. Great. So I give her the proper medication and Snapchat her mother about this new situation.
I grabbed a huge bowl of potato salad from the fridge I made the night before. I’ll have Jess drive my car and eat then. Because currently all I’d had was coffee. Probably not the best.
Everything was shoved in the car, and I left.
Oh, not a bright day, but a white, cloudy day. Where are my sunglasses? I can only find my cat frames. Guess I’ll be a cat today.
As I drive, there’s a small patch of highway that has rain. Just a few drops. Enough to turn on my windshield wipers exactly one time.
Of course, this doesn’t happen, though.
I turn it on, but a third of the way up, my windshield, the wipers freeze then shake back and forth. Oh, crap, they’re glitching out.
I frantically turn them off and then on, then to a higher and higher speed, then off and on, and it all only makes them glitch worse. After I moved the switch every which way, I finally get them working (why had they frozen in the first place?) and shut them off. I mean, it’s not raining anymore. Not a bit.
The wipers keep going. And going. I switch them on and off again. And they continue to shriek as they wipe my dry windshield. I discover they move between mildly fast, fast, and ultra fast. But they won’t stop. They just keep going, and I look like an idiot who doesn’t care she’s wearing out her wipers.
I call Jess and explain the weirdness occurring. She has the same car. Maybe she’s had this problem? Nope.
I drive to my place of work, and a fellow employee in the parking lot sees me and stares in confusion. It’s actually sunny now.
I park and restart my car. This doesn’t make the wipers stop. Gah, the one time I think to actually turn something off and on again, and it doesn’t work?
I rush into work and I quickly explain to Meaghann (who also works there and had no customers at the moment and who also used to own the same car), and she gets all confused, and we ask another coworker who tells me what it might be, but man, that is not something I can fix on my own.
I look for the bases for my pots, but there’s only a neon green and a deep purple. Neither matches the pots, but purple will have to do. It won’t look terrible.
I get to my car and realize the freshly potted plants have fallen over. And dirt is everywhere.
I ignore this and call my dad’s work. Maybe he’ll have advice about my car. Oh, he left work early, did he? And his cell’s not turned on yet? Great.
I start laughing. What a terrible day this is.
You know how annoying it is when someone’s tapping their fingers repeatedly? Things like that? Yeah, those never-stopping wipers make me feel insane. I think I might cry, and I nearly scream but sigh instead. And then start laughing maniacally. Oh, right, period. That’s why I nearly cried. Nice.
I get to my sister’s house, and realize the partial cup of open coffee I’ve brought with me spilled and stained my passenger seat. And my sister’s not ready. Not nearly. So I eat potato salad and try really hard to repot the plants. The dirt’s shorter now. A lot’s imbedded in the carpet. I’ll deal with that mess later.
Jess’ chinchilla been in a sleepy, happy mood all morning. I go to say hi to her, and within ten seconds, she attempts to bite me. When I shut the cage door, she charges it, hoping to strike me no doubt. Oh, man, it’s me. It’s me, this whole day is me.
My dad get home and offers to work on my car while Jess and I are out. Yes. A good thing is happening. Finally.
Oh, but then I had terrible cramps and a bit of nausea from some food intolerance poisoning. Fun times.
Jess and I end up leaving so ridiculously late that not only is Josh able to join, but we also have to cut out a few errands. We arrive to his house in Jessica’s car and stand on his front porch for a whole ten minutes waiting (he’s likely in the shower) before we remember the secret key.
Once inside, I take pictures of Jess and I in the house and message them to Josh. He’s not even phased, messages, “lol,” and he’s upstairs a minute later.
And we’re off! We only have just enough time to get the basic errands done before we’re nearly late for trivia night with a couple other friends. The place is so crowded that it takes twice as long as normal to get through questions, and we have to slowly get all five chairs (we start with two, and I’m on a window ledge for the first half of the night). It’s so hot inside and crowded that it actually sparks my anxiety, which has been pretty good about as of late, so this is unexpected. We end up leaving early (although later than we do on a normal night because really, it was taking forever). Not like we’re exactly winning anyway.
Jess and another friend leave in one car, and Meaghann drives Josh and I to this nearby restaurant. Everything’s half-priced! And it’s 9pm, so we’re hungry.
Then I get a phone call: Dad. The situation with my car’s not great. He’ll need another day, and thankfully I don’t work the next day.
Oh, and also he found basically a miniature tarantula with bright green eyes on the outside of the door jam, and my sister sent me videos. That thing could probably kill. And they’re not supposed to be in the area, whatever it is. I demanded he kill it before I come for my house key later that night. I don’t need/want to see it.
The meal’s surprisingly great, and nothing I’m intolerant to appears on my plate. Whew.
We drive Josh home. To find a large, wild rabbit on his front porch. Dead. And the murderer, a cat named Sunny, waiting to show it off a few feed away.
Josh and Meaghann are in a weird mood. The kind of mood where they decide to hold a bunny funeral in the woods. I watch from the front porch with Josh’s sister. It should be noted that I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up in jail for an absurd reason. Like being too involved with a musical tree outside the restaurant (Meaghann and Josh). Or for loudly joking we rob an Edible Arrangements van (Josh). Or not understanding the we were joking about using my blood in her birthday present (Meaghann in a misheard bundle of words). So yes, I stay on the porch.
We eventually get home, and Meaghann tells me the hand soap I bought us is the one she’s actually allergic to. Cool.
I’m unable to fall asleep, and just as I drift off, Opphie wakes from her slumber and start knocking things from my dresser.
Oh, crap, is my day about to repeat?
P.S. The next day I get my finger stuck in a lemon. Yep. At the store with my sister. So I start panicking and saying, “Jess, my finger’s stuck. I’m stuck. Get it out, get it out. Jess. No, don’t pull like that. No, it’s stuck. Aaaaah.” I keel over a bit. Because the thorn in the lemon vine (?) that is for some reason still attached to the fruit, which I’ve never seen before, went right into my finger at such a weird angle. Jessica’s so confused, wondering how in the world my finger has gone through the peel and into the lemon, and why can’t she just pluck it from my hand? Yeah, it’s a long minute of me rambling. Jess finally realizes what I mean and somehow gets it out. There’s blood. “Only you, Crystal.”
P.P.S. So the spider, after some research by Jess, is a bold jumping spider. Its green eyes were actually fangs. It’s harmless to humans outside of a painful bite (those fangs are huge), and it was super aggressive and actually reared at my dad. They can jump 1-50 times its own size because they can just increase the blood pressure in their third or fourth legs. What a superpower. Also it’s from Eastern and Central North America. So yes, of course it was in my car in Washington. Makes sense.