This story is one for the books. Or a book. Any book, really. Plus my blog.
Why? Well, you see, my life is starting to become an urban legend of sorts. My life has bordered unbelievable a bit too much, and this is one of those times.
Bailey and Sonic, thank you for spreading my legendary escapades, even to the disbelievers.
Okay, enough buildup. I now present to you the squirrel incident, aka the time I was almost murdered by squirrels.
My day started well. After a morning DTS class, I was feeling good, and, most importantly, it wasn’t anywhere near 0 degrees (Fahrenheit). It was a scorching 29 degrees (Fahrenheit, again, which is truly a distinction I must make since everything’s in Celsius here)! I wouldn’t feel like cursing every human and twig and snowflake I saw! So I grabbed my camera and started walking to a nearby park, Parc La Fontaine.
(Funny side note: During my normal walk to and around the park, I was trying to internally write a blog post about all the normal things that happen at the DTS, not just all the random stories. Then the following story happened, and it turns out my life’s version of normal is, well, abnormal.)
Along the way, I saw a squirrel. How cute and adorable! And it even stayed still for me and didn’t give me weird looks like the people who passed me on the sidewalk!
When I actually got to the park, I almost immediately spotted a couple squirrels. While I took their photos since, you know, squirrels are such adorable creatures, I found that other squirrels would come close to me, even circle me, out of curiosity and desensitization to humans who are standing still with a camera.
In total, eight squirrels ended up standing within fifteen feet of me before another couple with a better camera than mine came around and mildly scared off both them, as well as myself. Eek, a camera better than mine!
I walked away super impressed that I’d managed to not scare away eight squirrels.
Then I started to veer off of the normal path. (Mostly because the couple with the camera walked down the normal path that I wanted to follow, so really everything that happens from here after is all their fault.) Making my own path. Stomping through all the snow. Looking at the trees. I was like a pioneer.
I noticed maybe five squirrels in the distance and decided to try to take some photos of them. As I approached, notice me they definitely did. I saw two come closer to get closeup looks at me from the trees, and I think one reported back to home base while the other kept eyes on me.
That should have made me apprehensive about approaching I realize in retrospect. Instead, I was impressed and intrigued.
These squirrels mostly kept a distance when I finally reached where they had been when I first spotted them. But they definitely watched me from afar. And followed me as I approached a statue nearby.
There were already a few squirrels at the statue. Still, they kept their distance, too. So much distance!
That’s when I remembered I had stale pretzel sticks in my purse. I just wanted a good picture where I didn’t have to use a lot of zoom, you know? So I put a few pretzels on the ground near my feet. And the squirrels grabbed and dashed so fast that I didn’t have a chance to get a picture of them at my feet. Instead, I got this:
I didn’t know it, but this is what the beginning of my almost-end looked like.
Then a few more squirrels came. So I tossed some more pretzels on the ground so they wouldn’t be left out. And suddenly it escalated to around fifteen squirrels, and there were more coming in the distance. I suspect they were using their military communication skills to get the word out to all the squirrels in the park.
I tried to toss a few pretzels far from me to distract them, but they just came closer to me instead. And then I was surrounded by thirty or more squirrels. Um…
Some people have their life flash before their eyes. I am not one of those people. My death flashed before me where the squirrels launched themselves at me, and as I struggled to get them off, I fell to the ground. And suddenly the squirrels were covering my body, smothering me, and more kept coming from other parts of the park, and the fur and the teeth and the chirping and squeaking sounds they make was the last thing I would ever remember.
Honestly, if that had actually happened, I would have pretty much spent my last moments of life envisioning the death that was about to occur. Which is sort of sad when you think about it.
With the flash of death came the realization that I seriously needed to book it out of there. I started to hurry away, but they followed. I threw a couple handfuls of pretzels at them to deter them, but they kept pursuing me! And more were approaching from in front. (I’ve got to admit, the way they communicated this to what seemed like the entire park was pretty astonishing and impressive. Gotta give them credit for that.)
Let me be clear: I was carrying a good camera, walking through snow, trying not to slip. I couldn’t exactly run for my life. Instead, I strode with confidence I didn’t have, but it turns out only people notice others walking confidently and let them be. It’s definitely not a squirrel trait.
I ended up confidently striding away from them for about two minutes before I got to a place somewhat frequented by people and lost them. Or maybe the other humans didn’t look as tasty as I did. Something like that.
After that, I also tried to walk up a hill, but ended up slipping and falling up the hill, only to fall down the hill.
And then I got some cute photos of a nice squirrel who was all alone (thank goodness). And even a nice one of myself! Which was surprising because I’m terrible at selfies.
Then I fell down a flight of snowy/icy stairs.
The almost-death-by-squirrels and both falls all happened within thirty minutes. It was a lot of crazy in a compact amount of time, that’s for sure.
After the last fall, I definitely wasn’t smiling any longer. I was rather glad that in all the chaos of those thirty minutes, my camera remained safe. Honestly, who cares if those squirrels or the the icy steps of doom took a finger or three? My camera was safe.
It’s after those three events that I decided to go home. I had almost gotten hurt/killed too much to handle any more so-called adventures.
At home, I found out people aren’t actually allowed to feed the squirrels, you know, so they don’t get dependent on humans. But I think the real reason is that so humans don’t turn into the food. Needless to say, I’ll definitely never feed those crazies again.
Unless I get a squirrel as a pet. Or as my army. Honestly, if I could find a way to use their powers for my own gain, I could probably rule the world…. One day…
P.S. I think it’s worth noting that I probably have some sort of chaos-attractor thing. Maybe it’s the first scar I got, which happened via a broom when I was five. (For real, though, a broom.) But weird, inexplicable things happened before that….
In the words of Bailey, “You seem like you get swarmed more than anyone else.”
And it’s true. Who else gets swarmed by butterflies and squirrels? Why is it always me? And most importantly, since when do butterflies, of all creatures, swarm? I really do attract chaos…. Sigh…
Life's Antics (And Other Dull Happenings) 